The way a husband can encourage his wife is to support her, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. We want to know our husbands are there for us, but mainly we want them to allow us to grow. When a husband is helping his wife grow through loving support, she will want to encourage him back.

The way a wife can encourage her husband is to keep it simple! Remember, that men live in boxes. They can only be in one box at a time. Talk about one subject at a time, and solve one problem at a time. I suppose that's why women can cook dinner, talk on the phone, braid our daughter's hair, do 25 math problems with our son, and feed the dog all at the same time! A woman's world connects to everything around her where a man's world is compartmental. He likes it simple.

I've had to learn to keep it simple for my husband which is hard to do. Let's face it, as women there is nothing simple about us. Nevertheless, we need to learn so that we can encourage and support our husbands in the way he needs.

Many years ago Pat, my husband, had the opportunity to change company's and get a BIG promotion. It was what he had been working for and waiting for. However, once he settled into the new position, he had regrets. The position had been left in a complete mess. Not only did he have to learn a new job, but he had to clean it up as well. No top of that, he also learned that the company had real issues due to the owners chemical dependency. It was anything but simple. Pat was crushed.

Did I seek to encourage and support him? Of course, I did. I supported him until things at home began to crumble as well. Pat was working long hours which meant I had the kids, their homework, sports, and extra activities to handle all by myself. Then, when Pat got home, I couldn't complain because he beat me to it. He talked about how bad it was at work; how he wished he had his old job back; how if the company goes under, we could lose everything, too.

Heaviness weighed on his shoulders. Instead of lifting the load he carried, I added to it by saying things like, "why can't you get home in time to help around the house? What do you mean we could lose our house? Did you think of that before you took the job? What will we do? Where will we go?" With every question I asked, it became one more problem for Pat to solve. Instead of making it simple, I added to his stressful situation.

Eventually, when he was at his lowest, I began to simplify things with supportive and encouraging words. "Okay, say we loss the house. We still have each other? What's a house that another one can't replace? It's not big deal. Really." But the one statement I think gave him the most freedom was when I told him he was not a failure if he returned to his old position.

Men want to feel successful. They want to be respected by their wives. When things are simple, and they can do things that they are good at, they feel and become successful. To achieve that success, they need us to support and encourage them in the things they are good at whether it's their job, golf, teaching a class at church, or being a good husband and father.

Pat did return to his old job. And he thrived there. We didn't lose our house, we gained strength as a couple. Eventually, Pat got a promotion withing his own company. Today, he is very successful at what he does...at work and in the home.

How can you support and encourage your husband today? Keep it simple. Don't recreate more problems for him to solve. Let him know what he's good at and then give him the freedom to do it. A well respected man who has the encouragement and support of his wife will thrive in all he does.

Labels: According to Micca

Hi All,
I was away speaking until Tuesday and it's taken me this long to regroup and get back to our talk on marriage.

By the way, I spoke to a group of birth-moms who had placed their children in adoptive homes. All I can say is they are my hero's! I've never seen such self-less love. It was a hard event to do emotionally. These young women are still grieving their loss even though there is peace in their hearts about placing their child. My thoughts and prayers are still with them.

How do we encourage one another in marriage? By giving the other what they want.
Women want to feel secure and protected, but mostly they want to be encouraged to grow spiritually by their husbands. Nothing turns me on most than when my husband leads me spiritually!

I had never needed my husband's encouragement more spiritually then when God clearly called me into full time ministry. At first, I could tell he thought I was crazy. I thought I was, too! But God's call was clear and there was no escaping it.

Each day, my bedroom became my sanctuary where I studied my bible. I was reading Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 2:4-5, "And my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." it was then that God plainly spoke, "Micca, I want you to speak for Me." I can't say that I heard the audible voice of God, but it was the clearest thought I have EVER had!

As God spoke, I could see in my minds eye a sea of faces that I was standing over. There were thousands and thousands of faces. I knew my bible well enough to know that when God speaks, it's clear. You know exactly what he wants you to do. I was terrified to say the least.

Never once growing up did I say, "I want to be a speaker and writer when I grow up." In fact, I was only studying the bible out of selfish reasons. I didn't search the Word of God to know God or anything spiritual like that. No, I wanted answers. I was searching for why a loving God would give me a baby and then take away his father. Then, again, the bible says, "we make our plans, but God directs our path."

I had been set up! God was preparing me for His plans. I don't even think God answered my questions. Instead, He showed me who He was...and He was enough. I had fallen passionately in love with Him enough to surrender to His call...eventually.

I ran from God for about a year. First, I argued with God about being Baptist. "Baptist women don't speak, Lord," I'd say. "It's not legal." Then, I tried convincing my husband that God was calling him into ministry, he just told me first. That didn't work either. Eventually, I could no longer eat, sleep, or sit comfortably in church. I went to my pastor and he graciously counseled me for a year until we were convinced that God, indeed, had placed a call on my life. That's when it got scary and where I needed the encouragement and support of Pat, my husband.

God was so good to speak Pat's language in order to comfort his fears and concerns...

Pat is an accountant. His first action of support was to accompany me to our local college where I was going back to school as I waited on God to direct my path. As I filled out the forms, it called for my maiden name. Then, it happened. God spoke to Pat in his language...money.

The young guy who was processing my forms, returned to tell us that my first semester was already paid for. I could pick up my books on my way out. What? Pat and I were both amazed. How could this be?

Before I married my first husband, I had signed up and paid for the first semester of school at this same college but never attended. Instead, I got married. In over 18 years, the school had not returned my money nor had they written it off. Now, to an accountant,which my husband is, this was impossible. Any accounting department would have written this off by now or would have returned my money when I didn't show. You don't keep money for 18 years with out doing one or the other. The only explanation was God. And it was just the miracle Pat needed; it was the answer to his prayer.

From that day, Pat became my biggest supporter and spiritual guide. That means at times he has to let me work when he'd rather I be with him; it means taking care of the kids when I travel, it means making lunches, running the dishwasher, and sleeping alone on the weekends. BUT...as he and the kids pray for me and those I minister too, we've come to realize that God didn't just call me...He called the entire family.

Oh, there's lots in between that I wish I had time to share like wanting to purchase a bus and paint, JESUS SAVES, across the side of it as I set out to save the world. Thankfully, God had a different plan, and now, I am ministering to thousands throughout the U.S., but without the bus. But the main thing is, I couldn't do it without my husband's constant encouragement and support.

Stay tuned for part 2...

Labels: According to Micca

At the age of 21, I found myself alone, a brand new mother of a 4 month old, and a widow. It was a lot to handle.

Four years later, I met and married my husband now. He's a great guy! A true answer to prayer. He loves children and became a great dad to my son. I believe my reason for success is that I prayed for God to protect me from the wrong mate until the right on came along.

Although I was concerned about Pat's and Mitch's relationship developing like a father and son's should, everything seem to be going great. I learned that anyone could father a child, but a real daddy is someone who is around to wipe the nose and the other end too.

Mitch adored Pat. Then, when Mitch reached about 10 years of age. He began to show anger and feel cheated from not being able to know his biological father. Following the advice of our Pastor, we took Mitch to counseling.

To our surprise, we got a two for one deal. Right away the counselor picked up on some tension between Pat and I as well--tension that I was completely unaware of.

The counselor revealed that Pat had unresolved anger and resentment toward me. I was completely dumbfounded. We hardly ever fought! How could this be?

Pat wasn't voicing his ideas and opinion's to me. Instead he was letting me have my way. This created resentment in him toward me. I, on the other hand, had no idea that he was angry. He never spoke up about anything, therefore, I simply assumed I was always right!

Today, we are thankful that Mitch led Pat and I to counseling. We have since learned that each of us needs to voice our opinion's, agree to disagree, and forgive one another when needed. In fact, forgiveness is key to resolving conflict not just in marriage, but in all relationships. Forgiveness even sets us back into right relationship with God as well.

In their book, Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti, Bill and Pam Farrel provide us with statements we need to forgive ourselves and others. It goes like this:

1.) I forgive (name person) for (name offense) Remember, forgiveness is a choice you make in order not to let anyone control you emotionally. Your are freeing yourself when you forgive others.

Forgiveness is not letting go of what was done; it's not saying what was done to you was okay; it's not sweeping it under the rug or forgetting it. That's called reconciliation--which takes two people. Forgiveness you can do alone.It's all about you!

2.) I admit that (name the offense) was wrong.

3.) I do not expect (name person) to make up for what he or she has done. This is a biggie!

4.) I will not use (name offense) to define who (name person)is. Remember, do not define the person as a monster. It only gives them control over you.

5.) I will not manipulate (name person) with this offense. In other words, do not repay evil for evil.

6)I will not allow (name of offense) to stop my personal growth. Something to think about there.

I prayerfully hope that you will put this steps into action and experience the freedom forgiveness brings and the persoanl growth that follows.

Until next time...God bless!

Labels: According to Micca

Last Week my family and I enjoyed a family reunion in Gatlinburg, TN. We laughed a whole lot, hiked, ate, raced, and I mean RACED go-carts, ate, went horseback riding, ate, walked the strip, and then ate more candie apples, corndogs, and fudge.

There were many highlights, but the best was seeing my brother and his family who drove in from San Antonio, TX. You see, for over 20 years my brother hasn't been a part of our family. He was missing on birthdays, holidays, and everyday events. Where was he? Most of the time we didn't know where he was and neither did he. Barry is an addict. His chemical abuse has robed most of his adult life. Our trip this past week was the first time we've ever had that privileged of all being together. It was a blessing beyond words.

Once while my dad was video taping the group, he noticed two people were missing. (I think they were in the gift shop!) A bit frustrated, dad made the comment, "Someone is always missing when I'm trying to tape." That's when Barry added, "Yep, someone is missing, but it ain't me no more, praise God, it ain't me no more!" I just loved that!

My brother wouldn't mind me sharing his story because he shares it everyday with whomever he meets. He can't help it. Once you've been saved from such a lifestyle, you want to shout it from the rooftops, and he does.

After attending several treatment centers, Barry would eventually always find himself back on the streets seeking his drug. After meeting Jesus, Barry found new life. Now, He spends his days seeking God.

The Lord has blessed him with a godly wife,two step children, a home, and a self run business. His business is doing so well that the news station in Tx did a story on him. They compared his story to the movie, "In Pursuit of Happiness." Barry says, "I believe I get so much business because when I bid on a job, I always share my testimony."

Having my brother and his family join us in Gatlinburg was a long awaited answer to prayer. We all marvelled over him. We drank in his presence and his laughter. I can truly say, My brother was lost, but now he's found! It's so good to have him home.

God, indeed, hears and answers prayers. While we are in the wait, it's very, very difficult. Not just for the family, but mainly on my parents and their marriage. As you can imagine... there were times of disagreement, blame, fear, hurt, and anger.

Yes, when one family member strays, it puts a strain on the entire group. There were times that I didn't think we'd make it...when I didn't think my parents would make it.

In these situations, I learned that forgiveness is key in conflict. Otherwise we will throw up walls, we will define ourselves as the victim and define the other person the monster. We must not define one another when faced with adversity. We must encourage and forgive. It's the only way to survive. Of course, my husband has a different philosophy. He says the way to end conflict in marriage is to fight naked. Again, this is his philosophy.

Tomorrow, we'll talk more about the steps we need to take in order to forgive others, ourselves, and even God. Stay tuned...

Labels: According to Micca

Trying to communicate with your spouse can be difficult when he thinks like a waffle and your speaking like spaghetti. So what do you do? I have taken one of my devotions from "God's Purpose For Every Woman; A P31 Devotional Book" in order to share with you a game my husband and I teach in our marriage class. It's a great way to break the tension. Once you learn how to play "Beep-Beep" and then teach it to someone else. Oh, yeah...dont' forget to share with us how it worked for you!

Communication is like dancing the tango. It takes two. However, just because you communicate your thoughts to someone doesn't mean they will be understood. The person I have the hardest time communicating with is my spouse. Sometimes it seems that men really do come from Mars and women are from Venus! We simply communicate differently.

My husband and I began learning about good communication skills when we agreed to teach a marriage class. To communicate clearly you must listen, ask questions, and then repeat back what you heard the other person say. Sounds easy enough, right?
Most of the time, couples are not listening to what the other is saying, but rather thinking up their defense and then sharing it loudly. In order to teach the class, and ourselves, how to use these techniques, we developed a game called, "Beep-Beep." We discovered that practicing good communication skills is as easy as ordering a Big-Mac at McDonalds.

It is easy to play the game. It only takes a little imagination and willingness to play by the rules. However, before we begin, let's review the process of ordering fast food.

Before placing your order at any drive-in window, your car rolls over a wire that sounds "Beep-Beep" inside of the restaurant informing them they have a customer. Then, the happy employee acknowledges you. "May I take your order?"

"Yes, thank you. I would like a Big-Mac with fries and a Diet Coke to balance the calories, please." You state clearly.

The cheerful employee repeats and clarifies your order. "You would like a Big-Mac with fries and a Diet Coke. Is this correct?" "Yes, it is." you confirm with mouth-watering excitement.

Likewise, the process is the same when communicating with your partner. To gain your spouse's attention, drive over beside them in your imaginary car and say, "Beep-Beep." This signals to the other person that you need their full attention without interruption. Once you have "placed your order" by making your thoughts known, your partner happily repeats your statement back word for word just like the employee at McDonald's. Then your spouse asks, "Is this correct?" to clarify they have heard you properly. If so, the pay off is you have successfully made your thoughts known without fuss or fight.

This has become a regular means of communication for my husband and me. Sometimes while I'm reading a book, my honey will sit down beside me and say, "Beep-Beep." Immediately I know there's an issue he needs to discuss. Other times I've stepped in front of the TV and sounded my horn to gain his attention.

Approaching you partner with "Beep-Beep" is a great way to break the ice and let them know, "I want to talk heart-to-heart." Staying within these guidelines allows each person a turn to speak, the assurance of being heard, and the satisfaction of communicating with success.

With this method, you don't have to wait until Venus is in alignment with Mars to talk to your spouse. You now have the skills to approach your partner, sound your horn, and order up some good conversation. Play by the rules, and you'll always get what you order- clear communication!

Labels: According to Micca

Good advice "digging for pearls." We do need to give our husbands time to adjust boxes, or drawers, when we need to discuss the kids and he's in his football box. We also need to learn to stay in one box when communicating with our spouse. Like spaghetti, we tend to whirl in and out of different subjects causing our husbands to jump from box to box. When that happens, he doesn't have a clue what the real point of your conversation is. So ladies pick a topic and stay in the box. You'll get the feedback you're looking for.

My husband and I also discovered that our differences, though difficult at times, really complete one another. This is just what God intended. Let's look at this verse:

"So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him." (Genesis 2:20)

Did you see that God created a unique alone-ness in Adam that only Eve could fill? She was suited for Adam, and him alone. You complete your spouse like no other and visa versa.

My husband is an accountant with a personality! Though he is very funny and relational, he is also very conservative. I, on the other hand, love adventure. I'm what most would call a free-spirit. I'm sanguine through and through!

When we met, I loved that he was calm and steady. Most sanguines need stability in their lives. Of course, I loved other things about him too...like his tight buns from playing so much tennis, his sparkling blue eyes, and the fact that he could always make me laugh...something I love to do.

After we were married, these things that first attracted me to my husband began to annoy me. I wanted to spend money, he wanted to save money. I wanted to take extravagant vacations, he wanted to go to the same safe place every year. So on and so on.... I'm thinking..."opposites do at attract, but how on earth do they live together!"

We began to annoy one another so much so that once when I was pregnant I asked, "Do you have to do that?"
"Do what?" he responded
"Breathe!"

We laugh about that now.

Another time, I wanting something new for the house and he wouldn't let me get it. In order to blow of steam, I dusted. Well, I couldn't shop. While I was dusting the top of our tall boy dresser, 7 one hundred dollar bills came floating down on top of me. My first evil thought was to rush to the store and purchase that item I wanted, but instead I called my husband. He had told me we didn't have any money. Now, I had caught him in a lie...or so I thought.

It turned out that we still didn't have any money. The seven hundred dollars was the money he had been saving toward our family vacation. When I pondered the situation, I honestly rather had the money to go on vacation and build family memories than put it into a piece of furniture. If he had let me have my way, I would have chosen the furniture over the vacation at first. Sanguines tend to act on the spur of the moment only to regret it latter.

While my husband and I are different, and it can be difficult at times, I'm thankful. We truly complete one another, and in the long run I'm glad. He truly is strong where I am weak and I am strong where he is weak.

In what ways do you and your spouse complete one another?

How can you learn to be thankful for your differences instead of annoyed? Can you see how the differences fill in your gaps?

Labels: According to Micca

My husband and I are teaching a marriage class at church by Bill and Pam Farrel, "Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are Like Spaghetti." Usually, we teach a marriage class called, "Preparing for Marriage," and it's for engaged couples planning to marry within the year. The topic of marriage has become a passion for my husband.

I recall the first time we taught "Preparing for Marriage." We nearly got a divorce! Satan attacked us ever which way he could. Then we wised up. Instead of letting his attacks discourage us, we started using them as illustrations in class! We suddenly developed a reputation for being real and we wouldn't want it any other way.

I'd like for you and me to get real about the subject of marriage. Over the next few days or weeks, I'd like us to chat about why men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. I know that teaching these classes along side of my husband have been fun, difficult at times, down right hilarious, and life changing. I hope the same will happen as we share, grow, and learn from one another.

Now, according to Bill and Pam, men process life in boxes such as the shape of a waffle. Each box is a separate from the other and they can only be in one box at a time. So, when a man is at work, he's in his work box. When a man is watching t.v, he's in his t.v. box. Men also like spending time in the boxes that is he good at. This makes him feel successful.

Women process life more like a plate of spaghetti. Just like the noodles turn and twist weaving in and out and touching one another so are a woman's thoughts. Every emotion, thought or issue is connected to every other emotion thought or issue in her life. That's why we are better at multi-tasking girls. We can cook dinner while talking on the phone, helping the kids with their homework, make out tomorrow's to do list, and spy on the neighbor's all at the same time!

Now here's a secret. When you ask your husband, "what'ch' thinkin'" and he says, "nothin'." He's telling you the truth. He is most likely in his blank box. There, he can think absolutely nothing! I know, I know because we are constantly thinking it's hard to imagine that men can actually be thinking about nothing, but they can.

I'm curious. What differences do you see between you and your husband. What did you find familiar, true or funny?

Labels: According to Micca